"...When I say "I'm doing all I can" do I really mean "I'm doing all I can... without changing my lifestyle"? "Ouch. And it continued on... In David's comment on Mike's post":
"Increasingly I am asking how little can we live on, how much can we possibly give, and while we can't save the world, we can save one at a time from hunger, the horrors of HIV/AIDS, loneliness, and the soul-suck of this culture. I think I'm scared of asking if I can do this without changing my lifestyle - that question would indicate a true sickness of heart and I fear it's terminal. But there's hope and the more you talk about Kingdom stuff, Mike, the more it resonates and propells me. I am working harder these days too, but I sincerely think it's from love of the labour and the One for who we work (and those whom He made). I will never own the things I once strived for - but my life is richer all the time."Later, in a follow up on David's own blog:
"I feel like I am looking around and wondering why EVERYONE is not plowing (to borrow the metaphor from Christ) and I am yelling for people to help. Being cynical about their motives. Picking at their particular way of plowing, etc. and in doing so I myself am not plowing. It FEELS like plowing. But it isn't."And then on Antony's blog:
"One more thing about repentance: Repentance is not how you feel about these things above. Repentance is what you do about them. It may be well and good for me to feel some sorrow and shame at choices and decisions I've made to do the wrong thing, and for the consequences that have ensued. But my emotions about these things, however sincere they maybe be, will not prove repentance. In the end, no matter what I feel, the only thing that will prove repentance is if I actually turn...and walk the other way...."Add to this, the remarkable timing of a particular radio show on Sunday after church. I love listening to Stuart McLean and the Vinyl Cafe on the drive home, but it's a total crap shoot as to how much I get to hear. Totally depends on how long the pastor lingers over his sermon, or how long I linger after. This past Sunday, just as I turned the key in the ignition, and the radio sprang to life, Stuart began to tell a story of a bread co-op in Winnipeg. It seems that a group of folk at an ecumenical church were burdened by the plight of the farmer. They learned that for each loaf of bread sold, a grain farmer received just 2 cents. That seemed highly unfair to them, and they set about to make a difference. Today, just over a decade later, they run two bakeries in Winnipeg, and support 5 local farm families, while paying all staff a living wage and providing their community with an excellent product. I cried through the whole program. Balled. God was using an enormous highlighter to emphasize His point: If I were willing, I could make a difference to someone. How much lifestyle am I going to change? One more stroke of the highlighter came when I read this book Monday night:
Left To Tell: Discovering God Amidst the Rwandan Holocaust by Immaculee Ilibagiza. It is a true story; a gripping tale of her survival of the genocide. Unforgettable. Completely.
God has been leading me on a path to reconcile my lifestyle with my faith. I can no longer call myself an apprentice of Jesus if I remain as I have been. I'm seeing that it will be a life-long journey to make the necessary changes, but the image remains in the front of my mind... any one of us can have as much impact as we chose. What will I chose?
18 comments:
Challenging, wilsonian... The things in life that matter are not things.
I saw the Rwandan survival story on another blog and I can't wait to read it. I'm trying to find it in bookstores!
he wrecks your life doesn't he?
it's amazing how this journey to authentic faith really forces us to turn outside of ourselves.
this is a wonderful post erin - so much hope. i can't wait to hear more.
You are special Erin. I can only hope what has broken through to you leaves an indelable stain on all who read. I crave fellowship with people like you who are prepared to seek honestly, whatever that results in. Why? Because we were bought with a price, we are not our own....somewhat forgotten at times. Yet everyone has their time of revelation, and for some that might be ongoing. For them the reward reward is growth and service. What you are saying is working for me.
I hope you don't neglect yourself in all this too. It is easy to follow the pendulum swing and not to know ultimate balance. But I think you know that too.
Its a beautiful thing to see the Lord have his way with human will. May he visit me as he has you!
Gracie- you would think the images of horror are what would stick with me most, but they aren't. It's the way God met with her in a tiny bathroom, while hiding out for three months. Her heart was open for Him to move... and move He did.
Bobbie- you put that better than I ever could. Thank you for being one of the torchbearers!!
Garth- well, this is just ironic, because you have been another person God has used to speak through me.
And unfortunately... I don't generally have a problem neglecting myself. Far from it. So if you think about it, please pray that I am wrecked, turned inside out, walking in repentance and not able to remain the same...
Praying for you Erin. We're here for you. Thanks for this post. It's hard once your eyes are taped open by God.
This was probably one of the best posts today. Impacted me in a big way.
I echo Garth's comment...craving fellowship with people who are REAL and go DEEP and their faith is alive.
If only we lived a few states away, rather than in other countries!!!
You are amazing. Thanks for being real - because today, you changed my thinking. Thank you.
really a great post, erin.. i could identify in soo many ways.
peace, and thanks my friend.
Bruce Cockburn uses this one line : "you tore me out of myself alive" - I feel like that sometimes.
Where did you get the book? - looks great (in a tragic, I'm gonna need a box of kleenex kind of way)
David (fearfullyhuman.com)
feels like plowing but it isn't
wow
the journey toward manifesting an internal belief externally is a long one - with twists and turns, hills and chasms
but as long as we're on that road, it's all good!
A few of us were talking at bible study, and we all said that we only ever put in the collection an amount that doesn't effect our comfortable way of living.
Very convicting stuff here
The sermon at church tonight was on Mark 6 and looking deeply at our Christology. Do we believe that Jesus is here, now? Or are we looking at him as a good teacher to emulate, someone who lived 2000 years ago (What would Jesus Do?). Instead, we should be asking, what is Jesus doing, now. That Jesus is saying to us, "Get out of the way, FOLLOW MY LEAD." We are not Jesus' hands, feet, body. We are his FOLLOWERS. I know it will take probably all week for this concept to sink into my thick head...
and so, yes, we need to examine what defines us as followers. But we must rely on HIM. He is the one that starts the change in us. HE chose US. So we have no right to say "Well, I can't call myself an apprentice anymore b/c I'm not living x." Obviously if God is calling you to a rock higher than yourself, you ARE on the journey, which is what an apprentice is: someone on a journey, not a master. And by the way, a journey sometimes is one step forward, two steps back. (Ask me how I know.) Do not beat yourself up for "oh it's taken me too long to get here, and I'm not worthy of what I call myself." (and who named you a follower? Um, was it Christ?) It is a journey, of a million steps and as long as you are continuing, you are his apprentice. We are supposed to be broken! In our brokenness, we participate in his ministry. Do not have the pride to think that you have a choice in staying the way you are. Change is the life of the pilgrim. You're doing an amazing work and if you cop that "I can no longer call myself an apprentice" attitude...well, it's basically a bad idea.
I think we're basically saying the same thing, but I just get mad when people label who they are and forget whose they are.
Pray that there will be more workers for the harvest, NOT work the harvest. In returning and rest you will be saved, NOT in doing.
Of course, I need to practice what I preach, nothing new there. On my wall is something I try to attain and forever fall short: Pray More, Do less.
Wow. I think I need to go meditate on this...
Erin, you are making fabulous changes. Don't try to get ahead of Him. It's basically how people burn out.
The book is put out by Hay House. Don't let some of the theology distract you from the real story.
I picked this book up at a literary festival a couple weekends ago, sold by a local bookseller stuck out in a really bad spot in the festival layout.
SL... this post was really a response to my disobedience. I know the things He's been calling me to. And I know all the different ways I've ignored, and procrastinated.
Erin this was brilliant - and I can FEEL God changing you. I'm not there yet either - but as good old Wesley would put it - we are becoming perfect- that's what being a Christian is all about. Being a follower of Jesus, passionate about Him, willing to receive from Him through other people, so that we can pass the blessing on. We minister one by one by one.
that's what we do ... for His glory and full of His presence.
Be blessed. I'm proud to be your sister :)
Yes, but. This is the sentence I take issue with: I can no longer call myself an apprentice of Jesus if I remain as I have been.
Whether or not we are disobedient, that does not give us a right to say that we are NOT HIS. This is a father-daughter relationship, right? I don't stop being my dad's daughter just because I disobey him. And it would take a lot of disobedience for him to disown me.
I know you, (a little bit) and I know that part is not an issue. Yes, you may have points of disobedience. We all think we're the poster child for that one (oh, yeah). But you are seeking to do what is pleasing to Him, even though you may have forgotten, or procrastinated, or disobeyed.
A paraphrase of Sonnet 116 that I recently heard might clear this up: "If I don't love you because you no longer please me, that's not love, that's a form of manipulation."
That is all.
I hear you, SL. And I agree with what you're saying.
I never said that I would no longer be a daughter, or believer. I chose the word apprentice deliberately. There is a lot wrapped up in that.
In any case, I appreciate your persistence.
Oh good. We all like to be appreciated for our persistance.
So many I know get distracted or let the realization that they can't save everyone hinder their efforts to save any. Very good post.
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